-posted by mika

things are moving at a frenzied and exciting pace now. last Sunday we were able to announce to our church what our plans are. what a relief to finally talk about it all openly! so, it has been a week of many significant conversations, hugs, and tears. it has also been busy with house projects, trying to get this thing ready to sell! our kitchen is no longer green, just blah brown. (well, tumbleweed to be exact) we have a lovely new front door, shutters, clean fixtures and baseboards. books and journals are going in boxes. several boxes are for goodwill, and it's embarrassing how much just needed to be taken to the dump.
yes, this is really happening, and it's starting to sink in. our boys have had to process this rather quickly, as we just told them two days before we made it public. they are doing so well, especially considering that everything is full-speed-ahead. their toy stash had already been greatly consolidated from our previous yard sale. they didn't even ask why we were getting rid of their stuff and whined about very little that was sold. we sold their bunk beds yesterday, and they were delighted to "camp out" on the floor. they really are excited about the adventure ahead! Judah has expressed concerned interest over what we will eat there (always important for him!), and he's not too thrilled about the immunization shots coming up. Josiah laments that he can't take his air rifle to Uganda, but is comforted by our promise to keep it in storage. all three of my boys are really going to miss the woods behind our house! but i know what it means when i hear people say, "God gives you grace for what He calls you to." we are in His grace right now! i am physically, mentally, emotionally tired - but i feel God's strength when i think about WHY we are doing this. it is so worth it! my heart is sad and solemn when i look in my friends' faces - but it is a sadness that is made sweet by the recognition that the years of memories behind us and the genuine love between us is what makes goodbye so hard. what a blessing to have friends that think you are worth caring so deeply about!
yes, God's grace is sufficient. some people have commented to me, "i could never be as brave as you take my kids to Africa." "you're so strong to be able to do this." "i don't know how you're ok with just getting rid of all of your stuff." my response is always - "i'm NOT!" i'm not brave or strong or unselfish. it is just God's grace. i'm swimming deep in it right now.

sometimes "meanwhile" can last a long time

- posted by mika

i'm holding my breath
waiting...

i think an avalanche is coming, and i'm afraid
how do i prepare to get buried and lose my identity?

i think people will think we haven't been thinking - and i will be embarrassed
because the truth is, there is no Plan B, no safety net
all the chips are in one pile

i think i think too much about how it is going to happen, and i feel too responsible
i act like God holds out and reserves miracles as a last resort

i thought i had already begun to let go,
so then, why are my hands aching from this grip??

so there...
i am really not so intrepid
and not quite ready
and i'm still treating junk like treasures
and i'm ready to admit that i have A LOT to learn about trusting You!

meanwhile...

tonight i am pondering how faithful God has been in my life - so faithful in His design and timing to bring about His plan. we are now in preparation mode to transition our family to Africa. to love some orphans. just to type that brings tears to my eyes and pounding in my heart. i still feel disbelief that this season (that i have prayed for, longed for, BEGGED God for) is now actually upon us.

this is totally new and exciting territory for our family. our ten years in Jackson have been absolutely wonderful - and all we have ever known as a married couple. we got engaged here, bought our first home here, had all our babies here. we've planted roots and shared life with friends who have become family. we haven't had any transition yet. we haven't really ever had to "step out in faith" and be completely dependent on God, as we are now contemplating selling all that we own and starting over. there are a lot of questions in our minds. there are lots of emotions! i wonder, are we being presumptuous or are we full of faith? i happily daydream about what we will be doing in a year, while i also get a big lump in my throat when i think about leaving our family and friends here. but, for T and i both, our overriding emotion is PEACE. we have so much peace about where we are right now and where we are going.

definitely, at this point, the hardest part is not being able to talk about all this with the people we are close to. i'm writing this entry in July... don't know when i'll get to actually post it. in fact, i am at the moment sitting at the table in my grandparents house. my and the kids have been visiting a few days while T is in S.Dakota. it has been such a lovely visit. i love being with my family, and i love seeing my children make memories with their great-grandparents. "bitter-sweet" is certainly the word i would use to describe how everything tastes to me right now. i'm so eager to be able to share what all God is teaching me through this process. writing a blog is probably like my " coping mechanism." i am such a girl and have this great need to TALK about everything! but i know this season has a purpose. it is good for T and i to "count the cost" now, to know we have a quiet, firm commitment between us and God, and it has nothing to do with other people's enthusiasm, encouragement... or lack thereof.

i wish i could adequately and concisely explain how all this has come about. it may seem sudden, but it really isn't. the dream to work with orphans has always been in our hearts. we talked about it before we ever even started dating. the dream to go OVERSEAS and work with orphans has always been in MY heart - not so much T's. he has never led me on to think that he would want to go be a missionary somewhere (even though he LOVES missions!). all i can say is God has been slowly, subtly (yet firmly) bending our hearts toward this continent. it began with an awareness of the need, then a stirring to respond. it was never as if God barked the order for us to go. there wasn't a shock-and-awe revelation moment where we knew we were "called." we just came to a logical conclusion that this, as T put it to me, is the "purest desire of our hearts." if we could choose what our family will be made of and the experiences that will shape us... well, this is it. are we "CALLED" to Africa? honestly, i don't really know what all that means. i just know i long to be there. i wish for it. i ask God to please allow us to serve the children - so much that i will abandon and sacrifice whatever i need to in order to go. so, this is where we are right now.

content to be small

so, i am venturing into this world of blogging (which i know nothing about). i never have thought i would make a very good blogger. i do enjoy writing, and i don't mind sharing my thoughts. BUT... i am not very articulate, witty, or clever with my words. my daily life is not full of interesting drama. and something about all of this seems really presumptuous - to presume that anyone besides my mama would want to take time to read what i write. however, i feel inspired to write, because i want to share how God is working in me, in my family, in the "world" that He has placed us right now. in this season, the "working" in me personally involves God readjusting my perspective. i just feel overwhelmed with the bigness of GOD, the smallness of me / the cheapness of my life and the richness of eternity. my "stuff" is disenchanting me. my "mika-made" identity seems really shallow. and i LOVE the freedom i feel when remember these things!

several times when i was growing up, i remember Daddy talking about how we are like little dimes and God is the huge sun. there is just no comparison between the two! if i go outside, stretch out my arm, and hold a dime up in front of the sun - i don't notice the dime - only the brilliance and warmth of the sun. but i can pull the dime in so close to my eye, that it completely blocks out the sun's rays. SO OFTEN i project my life, blow it up to an enormous degree, that i forget why i am even living on this earth. it is easy to forget that i am just a tiny coin, useful to be spent in a very small way. all i can do is reflect God's light. i know He is going to be reminding me of this a lot more in the upcoming months! i really NEED to learn the humility of small things. my focus can't be on myself, my convenience, my security, my plans... ("for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!" II Cor. 4:18) maybe this blogging will help me hold myself accountable to keeping the right perspective. and maybe... hopefully... it will give God an opportunity to deflect some little shimmers off of me in the process.